This is an open letter to the man that broke my heart.
For the last month, I’ve been floored. Totally floored by heartache. It’s been a new experience for me and one that – unsurprisingly – I have not enjoyed.
I am someone who craves stability; a control freak who will analyse and evaluate every single emotion I feel. My need for understanding of my own emotions is something that has grounded me; and allowed me to take risks with the only thing that I truly trust: my gut.
My relationship with RC (let’s just call him that) was very much a whirlwind. We met, we clicked, and over a relatively short period of two months, we spent most of our free time together.
Everything felt new, everything felt exciting. I was catapulted out of my own little world and was experiencing a new me. I let my guard down, I let him in. I spoke about how I felt and I made every effort to be as honest with myself as I was with him. It was a personal breakthrough.
This open letter is not for him. It’s for me. I need to record how I feel at this very moment so that I can look back on this experience and think, “you did it, you passed it, you’re back.”
You broke my heart and I need to thank you.
When we met, I was guarded and struggled to show the ‘real me’. I was always unsure of what someone wanted from me. I was always torn between the expectation of me versus the reality. But you started afresh with me. You encouraged me to relax and be myself; and allowed me to be very open with my own feelings.
The couple of months we spent together were great. I can truly say that you brought something new out in me. I have never felt as comfortable with someone as I did with you. That’s the bit I miss.
But something clearly didn’t work. Just while I was moving into a new flat and putting roots down, you were packing up and leaving London. You were in a different headspace. What if I had met you a year earlier? Would it have ever worked?
The hardest thing is not being in contact with you. I went through the ‘psycho period’ of checking when you’d last been on WhatsApp in the hope that being “Online” at the same time as you would bring me some comfort. It didn’t. I followed you on Instagram to see how you were getting on. It was torture and it wasn’t healthy. I had to unfollow.
When we split, I said how okay I was with it. I understood (and I still do) your reasoning – it all made sense. You thanked me for making it easy for you, we smiled and hugged goodbye. Later that day, I praised myself for how mature and fair I had been with the situation. I replayed our final meeting through my head and nodded in approval.
It wasn’t until I was on the phone with my mum later that day that it all came to a head. She said I didn’t sound myself and I suddenly became very aware of how empty I felt.
For the next two days I cried. I cried a lot. I was floored by emotion and I had no idea what to do or how to make myself feel better. I ran and pushed myself in the hope that physical pain would exceed that of how I felt emotionally.
As you would have expected, my friends have been great. I haven’t held back in telling them exactly how I feel. Ali came to stay with me on the night that it happened. It brought me comfort to have someone truly look out for me and care for me. But I still just wanted to call you and tell you how I was feeling. I was grieving.
The grieving process is ongoing and I’ve had so many moments of, “seriously Robin, pull yourself together,” but I’ve also realised that I just need to go with it. I feel so much better than I did and I’m genuinely looking forward to a new year.
Now this might all sound pretty bleak, but I need to thank you.
Before you, I didn’t realise what heartache was. I looked down on people who would complain of being heartbroken. I would never be someone like that. Those people were weak. But now I see and I truly understand. I would not wish this feeling on anyone.
Thank you for allowing me to be me and thank you for sparking something new in me. And although I’ve felt totally ruined, I know I will come back stronger and more in-tune with myself than ever before.
Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, I sincerely wish you the best. You’re a special creature and you will always hold a place in my heart.